How
do we tame, train, and transform our vampire?
Last
week we saw that to be able to tame and train our vampire, we need to be able
to protect ourselves first… and we do this by creating either a physical or
emotional distance. Today in the gospel Jesus reminds us: “Immediately after
feeding the crowd, Jesus and his disciples got into the boat to go ahead of the
crowd to the other side (physical
distance). And after he had dismissed the crowd, Jesus went up the mountain
by himself to pray (emotional distance).(Mt.14:22)
Today
let’s go further, how do we transform our vampire?
The
gospel talks about Jesus saving Peter at sea. He sees Jesus walking on the
water, gets out of the boat, starts walking to Jesus, gets frightened of the
strong wind, and starts sinking. Then he
shouts: “Lord, save me.” Jesus saved the wavering and unstable Peter because
Jesus is stability personified, a rock, an anchor, to which Peter could cling
to and hold on to for dear life and would never ever sink.
Now
this time let’s have this scenario at sea but with you and your vampire. Both
of you are in the boat, then your vampire jumps in the water, and not knowing
how to swim shouts: “Friend, save me” as he extends his hands for you to reach. What will you do?
Will
you jump from the boat and swim to his aid? What if he pulls you down with
him? That’s what vampires do, right? If
you give your hand, they pull you down. What you do is get a rope, tie one end
to a secure part of the boat, throw the rope at him, and if he grabs it, you
pull him towards the boat.
The
only way to save him is to maintain your
distance from him and to maintain
your position of stability. How to maintain distance we already discussed. But
to maintain your position of stability, what does that mean?
Remember
again the story of the old man with a stick who will beat you whether you eat
the bread or not? What are our options? (1) walk out and find bread elsewhere, (2) protect your head and eat the bread…. Both are about maintaining
distance.
Today, to transform your vampire you have to remember it’s now about you, it’s about you maintaining your stability: Take his stick and break bread together. Invite the old man to sit with you at table – to break bread together. Take the stick. Your message to him is: “Don’t lord it over me, don’t go abusing me. Let’s sit as equals and share our stories together.
Say what you feel, this means
confronting your vampire (I was hurt by what you said...) But don’t say it
harshly or judgingly; you’ll trigger the vampire’s sophisticated defence. It
will blink red alert and he’ll either avoid you or attack you like a threatened
animal.
Say your lines calmly. “A soft and gentle answer turns away anger, but
harsh words stir up fury and wrath” (Pr 15:1). To Elijah the Lord says: Go stand on the mountain, the Lord is about to pass by. There was the
wind, so powerful, so harsh, but the Lord was not there. There was the
earthquake, so strong, but the Lord was not there. There was the fire, so
blinding and destructive, but the Lord was not there.. and after came a sheer
silence. And Elijah heard it, and he wrapped his face because he knew God has
come. God could not be found in force and violence, but in kindness,
gentleness, and love. (1 K 19)
And
so, love them to shame. The vampire
or that really difficult person you are talking to is also a beloved child of
God. And you have to remind him of that and do not just remind him of his
weakness. You can do this because you know that this person deep down inside is
not really a vampire. By showing him this kindness, you are telling him: “Your
stick has no effect on me. It is totally
useless. Here let me love you.” When you deal with really difficult people,
tell them they are difficult. But do not forget to tell them, through your
words and actions, that they are worthy of love. Take his stick and eat bread
together.
Transformation
is never instant. Transformation is a journey. And as you journey with him in
this task, do not forget to protect yourself – maintain your physical and emotional
distance when needed and maintain your position of stability.
Finally
remember that your role is to help heal
their brokenness not to heal their badness. When you see a really difficult
person, you only see parts of a broken vase… these broken parts are ugly,
sharp, useless. You do not like to look at it, you get cut when you hold it,
and all you feel is that is should be thrown away. But then that’s how you
see…. You see badness and this- you cannot heal. However if you try to see how
this all happened to him and from his perspective, you might have a change of
heart. Here’s how a vampire feels about his life in his own words; try to feel
what he feels:
“I see a beautiful and expensive vase. I
reach out to touch its exquisite feel. It’s old, heavy, yet elegant and feels
great. O how I would like to own a vase like this. I put back the vase on its
pedestal to make sure it’s safe. And just as I was about to step away, I see
the vase tip and start to fall. Like slow motion, I try to reach for it, but it
slips through my fingers and shatters on the cold, marble ground. As the pieces
scatter through the room, shattering sounds echo through my heart.
I stop and die a little inside. I have
just broken the most beautiful vase I’ve ever seen. As I stare at the pieces I
begin to realize… that vase is me. I panic. Put all the pieces in a pile. I
begin to cry, I scream and shout. It doesn’t help. The vase is still broken and
no amount of frustration, anger, crying, or beating myself up is ever going to
put it back together again.
There is no more emotion left to feel
but emptiness. I try to find a glue that could hold the pieces together again
but to no avail. I need your help but I am afraid that all you see will be
ugly, sharp, and useless pieces of a broken vase and like me it is worthless.”
When
you try to tame and transform a vampire, will he change? Well sometimes the vampires change. Sometimes they won’t. But you know, that’s Ok
because your role is not to know if
they changed or not. Let God take care of that as a potter fixes a broken vase. Your role is to love your vampire… to defang
them. To tell them that they are really children of an incredible God who loves
them totally and could heal them. Your role is not to heal their badness. Your
role is to help heal their brokenness. So do not worry, do not be afraid of
what happens to you for at the end it would be just like the gospel of today:
So Peter got out of the boat, started
walking on the water and came to Jesus. When he noticed the strong wind, he
became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out: “Lord, save me!" Jesus
immediately reached out his hand and caught him. “Take heart, my friend, it is
I; do not be afraid.” (Mt. 14: 29b-31a.27)
Additional Reference:
Dealing with Brokenness